The True Story of How Haldir Came to Helm's Deep
by Im A Brandybuck
Summary: Haldir is here to tell you how he really arrived at Helm's Deep. Britney Spears? What's she doing in there? Augh. Lady G? What? Okay, let's let Haldir tell you more.


Author's Note: Sorry I haven't been posting many stories on here anymore. This site is starting to majorly tick me off. It took down another one of my stories, "What If?" Anyway, this idea came to me today while zoning out. Sorry if it makes no sense. I just wrote what came to my head. The best way to write humor, I think. Enjoy.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir, I don't own Lord of the Rings, and it all belongs to the genius of Professor J. R. R. Tolkien._

**The True Story of How Haldir Arrived at Helm's Deep:**

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Okay, so you want to know my story? You really wanna know what happened? You came here to know how I ended up at Helm's Deep? Well you're just in luck because I, Haldir, am here to tell you the true story.

It all began one day in Lothlorien. I was doing my cool job, guarding the borders. I was with my two brothers who strangely looked like women. But I already went into that. You don't remember? You didn't read my first story of how I met the Fellowship of the Ring? Dude… what are you doing here? Get over there and read that.

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Allright man, welcome back. Enjoyed your trip? Good! Now that you're back, I can really get started.

So I'm standing there guarding the borders with my sisters/brothers… whatever they were. And I'm all chillin, zoning out, watching the grass grow, watching Orophin sing songs under his breath. Dude, know what he was singing?

TOXIC… by Britney Spears.

I LOVE THAT SONG DUDE!!! You're toxic I'm slipping under!!

I love that song so much; I started singing along with him. Rumil, on the other hand, is more of the Christina Aguleria fan. Pssh, Britney is so much better. Um… anyway dudes.

Orophin and I are jamming, head banging as I hit those amazingly high notes produced by Britney, and dancing like there's no tomorrow. And dude, I can dance.

I was so busy dancing my toxic dance I failed to notice the message from Lady G on the walkie-talkie. Rumil had to take it off my robe and hit me over the head with it.

And it made this hollow sound when it hit my head. Wonder what that means? Duuuude…

So I'm all like, "Woah, the Lady G calls me." So I whip out the walkie-talkie and say, "Haldir speaking, I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?"

I must say Lady G was not amused by that at all dude.

She was all like, freaking out and stuff, man. She said something about not being toxic waste, and how offended she was. I was all trying to apologize but she kept on throwing a hissy fit. She hissed and fitted so much that she accidentally switched off the walkie-talkie.

A couple minutes later, she got back in touch with me, though dude. So don't worry.

She told me she realized that "Toxic" was a song, and forgave me. Wooh, dude, who _doesn't _know "Toxic" is a song? Apparently Rumil and the Lady G.

So anyhow, the Lady G said she got some telepathetic message from that Elrond guy in Rivendell.

Huh? Oh, dude, sorry. It's telepathic. Haha, I said telepathetic. I think that's what I am.

Anyway, she gets this message from that Elrond guy saying I need to get the Lothlorien army over to Helm's Deep for some battle.

Dude, know what the first thought that came to my mind?

Why?

We're Elves. They're Human. Yeah, there was an alliance between us some ages ago, but really dude, who was around then?

I said that to Lady G, and she gave me an answer.

Her and Elrond.

Um… oh. Seriously dude, how was I to know that? Nobody's as ancient as them. Well, except for the wizard, Gandalf. Anyways.

Lady G says to go to Helm's Deep with an army of Elves to honor the Last Alliance of Elves and Men.

Yeah, okay, whatever dude.

After much arguing, whining, complaining, and stomping my feet, I summon the army. Aw dude, guess what I told them. Wanna hear how cool I sounded? Huh? Okay, here we go, this is what I did.

I walked past a whole bunch of glowing trees to get to the army, but I got lost. I'm all wandering around the forest screaming, "Duuuuuuude! Duuuuuude! Duuuude!" And by screaming 'dude' loudly, I managed to find the secret passage. Yes, the secret passage. I was all walking down the… secret passage… passing up this and that, him and her, and other random things, until I see them.

The army dude, duh.

They're all crowded in this area, and I'm like on this stage thingie, and I scream, "DUUUUUUUUUUDES! We must go to Helm's Deep to fight!!! Prepare now, or be left behind!!"

Haha!! I sound so awesome, right? No? Well, the army didn't think so either. They just looked at me like I was a complete idiotic surfer dude.

Well, what's so wrong with being a surfer dude, man?

I caught some awesome waves on the Anduin. Yes, the freaking Anduin. Deal with it.

Um, anyway, so I'm marching with my big bad shiny army to Helm's Deep. It… took… forever. I was tired, hungry, thirsty, and I wanted chocolate! But I got none of that. Instead, we arrived at Helm's Deep to find all the Rohan dudes all preparing for battle and stuff.

After some random gate dude let us in, I saw Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. Know what I said to them?

"Duuuuuuuuuudes! What's up?!" Because, you know, I hadn't seen them since Lothlorien. Aragorn ran up and hugged me, and I was all, "Woah, dude. I don't swing that way." But I felt the need to hug him back anyway.

Then Legolas tried to hug me, and my entire freaking army made one giant movement and stared at us.

So I was all like, "Pfft, fine man… or elf… whatever."

And then this big battle broke out. Dude, I kicked some big orc butt. I'm not implying the orcs had big butts… you know what I mean dude. Ew, don't go there. I told you I don't swing that way.

So I'm all fighting, fighting, fighting. And then WHAMMO! Aragorn tell me to go to the keep.

I stop fighting and scream, "Dude! Where's the keep?" Aragorn screams something back, and I couldn't understand him. So he screams it again. I still couldn't hear him because of all the screaming and fighting going on. So I start dodging in and out of all these orcs to get to Aragorn, when one sneaks up on me.

Thankfully, Aragorn does one of those slow motion dives and shoves me to the ground deals and saves my life.

Dude that could have like, killed me, man.

But it didn't! Aragorn is my knight in shining armor. Um… you know what I mean. I'm straight. Really, I am.

So that's it dudes. That's my arrival at Helm's Deep and then some. I hope you enjoyed my little rambling.

You know what to do.


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